Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

The theme of my life for the past 3 years seems to be change. In that time, I've graduated college, gotten married, adopted a pug, moved twice, started a new job, and had two babies. Just when I think things are settling down, we get another big change thrown at us. Whenever I think I'm getting the chaos that is my life under control, a tornado storms through and I start from square one. I just can't seem to get on top of everything, and I'm not sure I know how to handle all of this anymore. And to top it off, we just found out last week that we our landlord is selling the house so we need to move again this summer. I was already anticipating the stress of moving in a year and a half after Russ graduates from seminary, but my comfort was that we didn't have to move again before that. Oh well, such is my life, so it seems.

Some days I feel like dealing with all of this change is impossible. Especially when the babies are cranky and I have to work. Today is a day like that. Other days, I actually feel optimistic. I can see God's hand through all the change and see how He is weaving that beautiful tapestry with my life. Today, however, I can only see the loose strings and knots on the backside. Today I am tired. Today I'm so overwhelmed I just can't make myself do anything (which just makes everything worse).

When I feel like this, I have really difficult time sensing God's presence in my life. Sometime I even feel like He's forgotten about me, and sometimes I stoop low enough to get angry at Him because I don't understand why He's allowing all this to happen in my life. But I know those feelings are wrong. I know that, but I don't always feel it. So, how do you take the knowledge of God's sovereignty, His grace and His peace and make yourself feel those things? One way that works for me is to sit down and really think about the ways I have seen God's hand through the trials over the past years. Another way is to find fellowship among fellow believers. Sometimes it's just finding some quiet time.

One recent blessing to me lately has been a class I decided to take this semester at the seminary. It's called Ministry Matters and it is specifically for wives of Mdiv students and covers topics such as raising kids in ministry, how to deal with criticism of your husband and family etc. So far, both classes I've attended have contained content I needed to hear at that exact moment. One thing in particular that really hit me the first week was the topic of "battlefields and blessings." We talked about how in ministry there are always battlefields (difficult situations) and blessings, never one without the other, and how sometimes when you are in the trenches of the battle, you might have to look really hard for the blessings. It sounds pretty simple, but really, our discussion of the concept really hit me hard. It was like God was whispering in my ear saying, "See, you are not the only one who feels like this, AND I've helped others get through their battles, I will help you too!" It helps so much to know I'm not alone, even when I feel like I am. Not only are there other believers walking along the same path I am, God is there helping me through the journey.

This post is getting long, and I could make it even longer trying to list all the blessing God has provided, so I'll conclude by saying, I need you, those who love and care for me, to know that I'm struggling in a lot of ways and I really need your prayers. I feel kind of dumb writing a blog post about it, and maybe some of you will think it's too much personal information, but it helps somehow to be open about struggles. It feels freeing to be able to put feelings into words, it helps me deal with the difficulties. Thanks for being a "listening" ear and know that just by reading this, you are helpful! Just through writing all this, I'm already feeling God's grace, peace, and joy. I'm struggling, but I'm OK. I'm just experiencing growing pains as God is stretching me and preparing me for the future. I'm learning to trust in Him in new ways and even though that is hard, it is good.